What happens when you fall for a widower . Yours

22.02.2019 2 Comments

Episode 155: Widowed; The ups and downs of dating again

Dating is complicated. Grief is complicated. Swirl those together and things can get pretty messy. That said, we receive lots of questions in our email asking questions related to new relationships after experiencing loss and, over time, we hope to have articles addressing all these concerns. However, after receiving emails over the years, we have realized that navigating the world of dating a widow er is more complicated than it seems. As always, at the end of the article, you will find our wild and wonderful comment section, where we welcome your thoughts and experiences.

Ups and downs of dating a widower

But they developed great communication and worked through them. Now they are happy as clams. Should you pay attention to his emotional availability, and watch for red flags? His ability to be present? His life in the here and now? Absolutely, yes! If he makes you feel good, explore it further. Then believe him, and pay attention to his actions. It is true that some think they are ready but not just like after a breakup, right?

Or you just may miss out on Mr. Some of you shared your positive experiences and thanked me. Many more of you called my ass out! This is not an attempt to defend my work. But I would like to dig just a little deeper than I did with my initial writing.

I have wrote here before and you gave me a beautiful advice. I am loving a widower. There have been heavy ups and downs. I feel we have a good relationship. When you're dating a widower, you're entering an area of dating that not many people have experience of. Here are ten tips to help you.

And I want to thank and honor you all for sharing so thoughtfully and honestly. In fact just writing that makes me feel like throwing up.

I dated several widowers in my single decades and had an extended relationship with one. Some have remained in great relationships with them like Karen above. Most have not, because of the very issues you have raised. You seeif you know my work you know that its foundation is based on helping women embrace that their own happiness must be their first priority.

When they are happy, their man is happy. Meaning a relationship with HER. I admit that as a coach who teaches women to date like a grownup, I assumed that it would be taken for granted that it is never okay to stick around and accept bad behavior or be treated like a doormat. Yah, I know about the assume thing. I apparently could have supplied clearer qualifiers to better express my position. Again, I truly DO love and appreciate hearing from you.

What you share here is meaningful to me and also helps inform the thousands of women who are reading these posts. So, keep bringing it on. I was cheated on at the end of a 37 yr marriage and his wife dies 4 years ago of cancer after 28 year marriage.

I feel 25 and get tingles when he touches me, or holds my hand. We started being intimate and there was no pressure from him. I know he cares about me by his actions, calls every night, and the way he looks at me. My question if you can answer is - her clothes and personal items are still in the bathroom and bedroom, I feel like Im having an affair sometimes. Is it too soon to say something, or should I wait longer. I really like this gentleman. Thank you for supporting us women who have been dating a recent widower.

It took me 10 years to start dating after being in some really bad relationships and now I am dating a great guy but I am unsure about so many things. Reading your blog is helpful and I am grateful. Thank you. I do like your helpful comments.

How can I stop thinking like this? I am full of gratefulness and tears as I write you this message I am in love with a widower and he is a gem to say the least. What I noticed as I was reading your advice, was my reactions!! My friend would mentions her quite offten in all our conversation because everything we talked about that he did in the past she was there. But now I am wondering if I am not grownup enough to handle his slip ups and we are down his wife and her family memory lane when I am trying to build new memories new connections.

I could feel my immaturity rising up at your great advice. I need more advise and tools because he is a keeper. But you should own this. The bottom line is that This is about you, which I think you know. Please advise. Ask him. I was divorced after 33 years and six years later I met and married a widower.

I am now divorced again. I got married too quickly. This was a man that was not ready. In hindsight, there were reg flags. Had I held off, I would have seen the potential problem. Socarry on! Use this to make it better for yourself next time. Just keep learning and moving forward.

I just wanted to say I am sorry that people who write for the pleasure in helping others does not need to be judged by her comments. Take it or leave it. I was on a beautiful first time solo trip to Greece and met a wonderful man from my home townwhich never happens.

We talked for days, connected. I knew he was widowed. It was never mentioned when she passed. I am in Hospice, volunteering. I knew that arena. We connected so well. It was like everything I had been searching all my life was in this man and I was going to meet him when I got home.

The day I was leaving we have talked for a week texts, phone calls. There was plenty of opportunity to mention that his wife passed Sept One month. They had a wonderful, loving relationship For 36 years.

So fast forward we meet, the chemistry between us was super strong. A night together without sleeping together. But with lack of sleep from flyingthe visit the next day and champagne made me very open and vulnerable. I understand his feelings about getting on there. We both knew meeting each other was just not coincidence.

So I know in my heart this Christian man needs to do the right thing for himself and his two boys 26 and He figured me out like no one else has. So my connection with this widowed man is from a distance. But it came at a time in my life where I really know what I want. I am currently dating a widower for the 2nd time only a month the 1st round - already 6 months this time and he has been wonderful and supportive as I feel I have returned this to him also.

We spend a lot of time together. Love it!!! I gladly give him the days. Why am I being so selfish by wanting to know verbally when he shows me a lot?

I love being shown but I like to hear too! I wonder if he has always been this way or since his wife has passed away? I tried to ask him in around about way but it went right over his head I think. He said he may never get married again also. I was up front about wanting to get married again so that sits In the back of my mind also.

I was up front with this when we got together but our relationship to me is wonderful, peaceful, effortless, easy, and not stressful. This is a change from what I was use to in my marriage, walking on eggshells. Is this normal? Good article; just like any other sort of man, one has to go into the rship with eyes and ears open.

I was in a nearly two year rship with a widower. My reply is not printable. First, speaking about his ex wife, it became clear she did not trust him when he was away from her. His treatment of the woman in question was so poor that it cost him his best friend.

Three, he revealed some serious narcissistic tendencies over time. Also, we had a huge difference in intellectual levels and intellectual pursuits which was a problem for me at times. He hardly read at all; spending all free time on Faceplant and was not interested in learning new things.

From now on, if I ever date again, it will ONLY be with those sharing my values and who are equals; no exceptions. In some ways I am grateful to cheaterboy as the breakup was a turning point where I understood that living in my redneck mountain town ensured no quality man would want me and also understanding my toxic workplace would never improve.

I retired prematurely, am moving to my yo farm, sans all utilities, and living according to MY values. Widowers, like any other men, have good ones and not so good ones.

Cheating happens as do many other poor behaviors and often it takes time before the bad stuff becomes evident. Apart from setting high standards and sticking to them, from the get go, much of this is beyond your control. This is why it is important to be living the way you want to as a single so you can weather the storm alone if needed. Thank you very much for the insight. Just started dating a widower though he thinks am a little to young for him. How do I go about it.

He agrees everything else is fine like says am mature, taken care of myself well save for the fact that am young. But as such he still calls n text back. Thank you for these words of wisdom and comfort. I was trying to sabotage our relationship, out of fear of being played I suppose. Thank you, again. Way to go, Treva. Just keep your feet on the ground and take in all you can about him and allow him to do the same from you.

Iam in my early 50s. And my neighbor is in his 60s and very handsome. I never knew he was a widow? Iam not married. No children. I would like to be close friends with him. But i dont know how to start. I have his phone number. And he has mine. No calls. I guess big red flag. She was diagnosed with cancer and died 2 months later. He still has her clothes in his closet, her purse and cowgirl hat next to her night stand. How should I feel about that and how do I go about talking to him about just moving her things out of the house?

Or should I even mention it? Thanks Linda.

I have dealt with some similar issues in dating a widower for the past few years. I can completely relate to the emotional ups and downs and. I was widowed at 38 and had plenty of dating years ahead of me. . A few days after setting up my online profiles, I decided to take them down. Dating A Widow or Widower: FAQs Can I ask them to take the photos down? I am dating a widow(er) and they are still close to their deceased partner's family. He has had many ups and down for the past 6 months but all-in-all we have.

I started dating a woman whos husband committed suicide almost 2 years ago. The house was the house they bought together, there are still pictures of them here and there and her whole Facebook is of them and she posts memories of them all the time on it.

My biggest question is, is she ready. That has had all his attention and time since Jan, Talk to HIM about it. Then you can make your decision. While teaching a dance class there was a widower. Showing him a dance step he held me tight, A pocker intense stare into my eyes and smiled, which i understood him letting me know I LIKE YOU, he bit his lip; i got nervous but i had to stare back at his eyes.

I had to meet him half way. I like him. He interrupted our stare saying, we should dance with others. Of course, I said. I parted to dance with someone else, and so did he. End of class he said to me, thank you for the dance class. I respo ded, nice meeting you. He left. I hope he is thi king about me as I am of him.

Hope somehow he asks my friend, who he knows, about me or for my number.

No way i will pursue him. Edith, sounds like there was a spark between you. Whether he follows up or not, who knows. When men are interested in a woman they almost always find a way to pursue her. So yes, waiting for him is fine, as long as you are still moving forward with your life and not counting on hearing from him. It may have just been a moment, never to be repeated. Time will tell. The irony of it that we met on a dating site and then he asked me out for ice cream.

We got to talking and found out that his late wife and I use to work together. He was shocked. She wants him to be happy. I told him I would be there for him if he needed to talk. He has his days which is very understandable, so I give him his space that he needs. The next few months are going to be hard for him because of the holidays. Thank you, Barb. Barbara, it sounds like you have struck a good balance of letting him be and being there for him when he needs you.

My advice for you over the holidays is to take care of yourself. Make plans with your family and friends and do things that make YOU happy and relaxed.

If he wants to join you, great. If not, move forward anyway, making sure to do lots of self-care on your own. I hope that helps. I met and fell in love with a married man whose wife is ailing.

She has gotten worse and wants me to wait on him. He has gotten depressed since her condition have gotten worse. What should I do. Dating a married man. Hello I am a widower. I lost my wife on 1st of August She had a brain tumor. She asked me to retire and help take care of her. I was with her all 22 months of this fight. I know I am still grieving. I do eventually want to start dating again. How about some general advice please? I t will be hard to start dating after being out of the dating scene for almost thirty years except ,going out with my deceased wife.

When we met he gave all the signs of being ready to date and he said he was ready. Recently he made it known that he might not have been as ready as he thought. Additionally there are some pretty big red flags like his house is a shrine to his late wife and he visits her grave almost every day.

The process has been far more painful for me than he knows. You might find a woman looking for the same thing as you.

But in fairness, most women who want to date do so to find a romantic partner. If you meet someone special she will likely have questions that will help her figure out where she might fit into your life.

You should be in an emotional place where you can talk about your grieving process, your late wife, etc. I hope this helps in some small way and wish you the best of luck. I have met the love of my life; we have incredible communication, he is emotionally intelligent and aware and is very loving. As issues arise, we talk about them openly and honestly, even if sometimes the content can hurt, but at least we are talking.

Wonderful man but everything just stopped the compliments, texts, everything. I convinced him to get grief therapy.

Maybe later we can try again. I really hope you can help me! He was married 30 years and she had cancer! He had to give the ok to take her off of life support!

At the same time his only grown adult child turned to drugs and lost his granddaughter of 7 years! He said he lost everything he loved at once! I want to be there for him and have him be able to talk to me about anything, but I notice when he drinks he talks about it more! He tells me it was 30 years with her and only a year with me! Please help! I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months.

He lost his ex-fiance 2 years ago, she died in a tragic accident at just 27! They had been together before they broke up a year previously for 6 years and had a child. I see being with him in a similar way to dating a widower because alot of the issues weve faced are the same. When i first went to his home, his entire living space was a shrine to his deceased ex-partner.

A huge canvas of them together hung above the bed the bed we shared together. Photos of her, and them as a couple adorned every corner. Her ashes are there, her shoes are still lined up where she left them as is her purse sat gathering dust on the windowsill. The deeper my feelings for him have become, the harder ive found it to deal with.

It got to the point where i refused to visit his, because it felt so innapropriate. It felt as if i were the other woman, and i became consumed by insecurities which upset me alot. This has all been a learning curve, its hard to watch someone you love in pain and not be able to make it better, even harder when they seem to pine for a lost love! Dating someone who is greiving a previous love can be very painful at times, but i do believe that if they are a good match for you- then not only can you develop a strong healthy bond, but you can learn so much about yourself in the process.

Thank you for sharing your story, Sally. I think your thoughtful and loving approach will help a lot of women. I wish you all the happiness with this nice man. He still says we are best friends. She has now been passed eighteen months, is this still too early for him to be seeing someone? He tells me he doesnt want anything serious but just to be friends. How should I take this? But what should I do?

Believe what he says: He just to be friends. I have been dating a widower for 4 months and his late wife passed away 8 years ago and he continues to talk about her and say if she was here, he tells me he thinks of her every day and he wishes she was here! I feel very upset and angry!! What do I do?? I love him he says he loves me very much! He treats me so wonderful! Please help. He is sending mixed signals.

You need to get out there and date others-you can keep him in rotation. Wife passed away 4 years ago from Lupus. To say that this relationship has been 2 steps forward and 15 steps backwards, is an understatement. This is where we go backwards. Despite all this growth he refuses to make a full commitment to me. I love him and his children. Do I stick it out or cut my losses? I was in. He never introduced me as his girlfriend.

He never introduced me to his family. But I kept up hope. For what? Why would I do that? I finally broke it off - it was so hard. I cried for a year.

When I think of my husband vs this guyno comparison. I feel for your man. Next time you do ask him to be kind and let you go. There are men out there who are ready to cherish you and bring you into their lives; fully and completely.

My hear goes out to you. I promise that in the long run you will be so glad you did. Thank you so much for this post. I have been dating a widower for 4 months now and it has been going great.

He is 29 years young and lost his 26 year old wife to cancer. They were together for 10 years. She did battle it for 4 years so he did state that he started grieving from the start. We have spent almost every weekend together, have went on one trip, met each others family and friends, and have overall become best friends.

I am almost certain that we are on the verge to telling each other that we love each other, but I am just being patient. This can be hard for me at times considering that I know it will take time for his friends and family to open up to me. I know her birthday is coming up so I am glad that I did read this so I can better understand this process. He is absolutely amazing. At times I do find it hard to be judged by others, but will be open minded from now on!

Thank you for the message. I feel like you are talking about me in your first illustration. He will also be a widower for 3 years in December. I want to ask him a lot of questions. We live 4 hours away each other. He lost his wife of 8 years tragically in Novemberand he pursued me 3 months later. He and I had known each other for 4 years prior to this, however during those years we were simply co-workers and knew each other through church; nothing more.

When we first started dating in February, I was surprised at how well he was doing. He has been going to traditional therapy sessions, did an experimental therapy involving eye movements, and attended an week grief share class offered through his church.

He and I quickly fell in love. We went on 3 vacations together this summer, and our relationship got very deep very quickly. Unfortunately, I did not handle things well. I became OK with pictures of her all over his home new home - she never lived therehowever when he would fall into grief I would immediately feel insecure.

We would talk things through, but the pattern repeated. I regret how I handled things. I will also be pursuing counseling to better understand my insecurities, and how to better communicate with him should we ever get back together.

Good move. I have recently started dating my widower boyfriend. He lost his wife of 18 yrs, 6 months ago. He talks of her fondly and good memories often. Also mentions he was depressed the last few years and the wife was not the same person he met. She died of overdose of pills, and was a heavydrinker. He posts on FB often of memories, and missing her. I have a history with this man, of 29 yrs and past dating, seriously, and I even lived with him.

I love him very much, he loves me dearly also. I still struggle w the ghost daily. Amber, Six months is too soon to get into a serious relationship with this man. He may need to process his grief in a support group or with a therapist before he can move on and be open in a new relationship. And, since he was depressed before she died, he has a lot to work on. You may need to back away for a bit while he works this out. I have been dating a widower for almost 18 months. We are both seniors both 69 yrs old.

We have a great time togethertravelingplaying golfhiking. He keeps telling me he wants freedom, meaning going places and doing things without me. I have fallen in love and I thought he was starting to fall in love now he only wants to be friends.

He took me and brought me home and cared for my needs. Spent the night a few times but was always at my home daily. Would love your advice Thanks for listening. Peggy, that sounds so hard! My advice is for you to be clear about what you want and let him know. Is he just wanting more free time to do what he wants on his own? If so, you may be able to negotiate this. Both having your own interests and time to spend without each other.

Everyone has different needs when it comes to togetherness time. Dig a little deeper to see if you can figure out what he really wants. And then see if there is room for both of you to get your needs met. Best of luck - Bp. He gave me all the sign, said all the words to make me think he was finally going to make me maybe close to number one.

Dating A Widow or Widower: FAQs

He had a roommate whom he just evicted so he lives all alone in this huge house and he will not let me go over there. Actions speak louder than words here. Time to move on. My spouse of 25 years passed away 8 weeks ago. It was suicide.

Yet, for some reason a couple of weeks ago I created a profile on a dating site. I am acutely aware of how vulnerable I am right now. Is that a good sign? To describe the different twists and turns in my mind about having met someone this soon after the death of my beloved spouse is to try and describe how the earth was created in seven days.

Is it a bad decision to be spending time with this person? We actually have a very unusual and natural back and forth in the communication department. This is something that is like striking gold as far as I know. He has only been widowed for a bit over a year, and you have been dating for eight months. To me, it seems like a doomed relationship. I can't imagine he is truly over his wife given your description of the house.

I would ask myself if I was happier with him, or without him. If I was happier with him, I would just distract myself with things I like to do and ignore all of this. Just go do something else that day, what is the big deal? Who knows how messed up he and the kids are over this. Getting off someone's back especially a man's is an underappreciated quality.

The bottom line is you started dating him way too soon after her death. You are most likely just a crutch to get him through this time. Most likely, he is unable to care for you the way you want and mourn her the way he needs to. Hi - I'm new to this site and I see some people in this thread who have already given me some good advice.

I have dealt with some similar issues in dating a widower for the past few years. I can completely relate to the emotional ups and downs and relationship fits and starts that you describe, and my theory is that both of these guys rushed into new relationships before they had allowed themselves to grieve adequately. The person in my life latched onto me a few months after his wife died. At first, the home was a shrine to the dead wife, similar to your situation except I never saw the clothes hamper.

Her clothes were still in the closet; he asked if I would feel comfortable helping him with that, and I said no, and I suggested a family friend. Eventually he cleared out most of the pictures and other memorabilia, but left some of it for his kids. However, this is all irrelevant because in all this time, he has almost never invited me to his house.

Instead he has come over to my house every single evening and reviewed every detail of his day as if we had been married for 30 years i. Needless to say, I'm getting stifled and annoyed by this tedious routine, and wondering why he hasn't made an effort to ever have me visit, let alone stay overnight, at his house or to stay at mine more than once every several months.

So now I'm dealing with other compatibility questions that I posted here and that I surely wouldn't have put up with if he hadn't been a widower. My point, for you, is that we shouldn't be settling for treatment that wouldn't be acceptable if we weren't feeling sorry for these guys because they're widowers. There are a few good books about dating widowers. There are also several websites with helpful advice, if you search for "dating a widower".

I've still got a lot to learn myself. Someone suggested that you talk about your feelings with this guy; I have found this helpful in my situation, though as I mentioned earlier, I may have a lack of compatibility that I will need to learn to deal with.

I hope some of these comments are helpful to you. I lived with a widower in the house where he and his dead wife raised 6 children and 18 grandchildren, his family was already adult and they had a hard time coping with me, but after a few years I won them over, I lived my life to make him happy and I really loved him very much, with all of my heart, but he had lost his wife only 2 years prior and might have still been to soon for him, there was still pictures and clothes in the home and he would not let go of the house.

I had to go after 4 years of waiting for him to get over his grief. Maybe it was just our age, I am 34 and he is 52, I moved miles away and now I miss him with all my heart and I might be the one in grief. But what was still more incredible to me is that he was able to replace me within 3 month.

Originally Posted by alwayshappy. Please bear with me. First of all I would like to say that losing anyone close to you is a nightmare, especially when they have left small children behind.

I do understand that my partner has had a hard road and has his own grief to cope with. This question is from my own point of view. I met him months after his wife died 13 months ago, he was on a dating web site and looking for a partner. Then he convinced me to give love a chance and to stop thinking so much. He told me to stop thinking love is so complicated. I tried to give love a chance. One day later I cut off all contact again.

This time I am not going back because in this experience I realized that I am definitely not ready to love.

I want the companionship but not the feeling that I have to try to convert my mind over to loving someone so different than my husband. Using my heart and trying to love someone right now is like driving a car with no air in the tires. I lost myself when I lost my husband and I am still trying to learn to love me.

Hi I also lost my husband when I had just turned 32 after 10 years of marriage and two children. My husband honestly could not of hand picked someone better for me. The feelings of guilt and worry and thought of going through that again over shadows the joy quite often. I wish you all the beat on your journey, it truly takes a toll on the heart, soul and mind. Thank you for writing this article and providing an opportunity for discussion in the comments section.

I firmly believe every relationship requires investment from both parties. One thing I learned from my hardest thing ever, is that there is no right way to do anything.

There is only the way that feels best and sometimes that is super difficult to determine. In terms of a relationship after being widowed, our plan is to continue to work with our therapists individually, eventually work with them together and along the way, read articles like this and discuss them together.

After reading the questions and comments all interring some offensive. Is it any wonder why widows try to date widowers? Think if it like this? Can you erase halfyour life or more? Please be sensible. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have a daughter together and he is a stepdad to my 2 children from a previous marriage.

My kids accepted him. His past relationship was with his best friend and he shared in raising her 2kids. They had not been in relationship in 10years other than friends. They lived together. She past away during a time where he was unable to be there. The kis moved far away. He kept in close contact with them.

They were family he raised then from the age of 18mo and 3years old. I have more empathy than anyone should have so know i would never replace their mom. They always ask how life is treating us and he never mentions me or our life together.

I think life would be so much better if open communication and acceptance was there i have so much love and respect for his past life so much that it kills me dailey.

I broke a promise to my grandfather that i made him the night before he died. It was if i ever had a girl to give her my grandmas name. Their mom had the same name so i had to out of respect for them break a promise to the man i loved more than life my poppop. I am dating a widow. We are both 52 now.

We met 5 years ago, 2 years after her husband died. They had a daughter, 16, and a son, 14 at the time of his death. I have 2 sons ages 30 and I am the only person she has dated since her husband died. We have a long distance 50 miles relationship. It began with emails for the first 3 months. Then we got together for the first time we knew each other in high school and hit it off. At the time we started our relationship, she was still struggling to find happy moments in her days but she is very strong and took care of her kids and the new jobs she had to take care of around the house for the first time.

She said that during those first two years she just felt normal at work where she had her job to do. She started having happy moments. We hit it off and things went very well. I heard from many of the family members that they were happy to see her smiling and happy again. They are all very accepting of me as well. Things were going very well. We saw each other often. We had not made detailed plans for our future, but we both expected that our future was together. These things changed a few months ago.

The calls she would make the calls, I had the morning text and communication were starting to lessenby quite a bit.

When we got together, I said I needed to talk to her and she said that we really needed to. She explained that she started having those same feelings she was having before we starting getting to know each other. She is filled with grief for her husband. The kids are now in college or graduated from college. She is really struggling with grief right now and she is pulling away from me. A few weeks ago, we talked and agreed the expected calls, communications, etc.

She needed space from me. We still talk occasionally and see each other a little bit, but I am really struggling and want to do the right thing. She used to know that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and now she just thinks the future is an unknown.

I am struggling with how to move forward. I wonder if it is best for me to give her space no communication as that will allow the grieving process to move forward, or if I should be there at the random times she reaches out. I love these moments, but I feel like they are random moments of happiness surrounded by emptiness and stress.

Perhaps I am looking for words of wisdom or maybe I just needed to pour out my thoughts. When I wrote about the things that her husband is missing and she is missing the chance to share, it makes her feelings seem so much easier to understand.

Hi, Frank. I never hear from her anymore and sometimes I wonder if I was just being used. It hurts like hell not having her in my life like I once did. I think these are the chances one takes when dating a widow.

Their lives are so complicated. Even if they are ready to move on, their lives may not be. For me, I try to focus on making myself better, going out with others even if I still miss herand dropping her a line every now and then to make her laugh and know she is cared about.

Thanks for sharing your story. Hi Frank. I am a widow myself and am struggling to move on. One minute I want to be with my new boyfriend but next minute I want to be alone. I would say give her time be patient with her, grieving is the most complex phenomenon no one can ever begin to define.

It comes in different shapes and colors everyday. I am in that situation as a 3 year old widow. Be patient with her if you really love her. I have been dating a widower for two and a half years. He has been widowed for 7. He has met everybody in my family, has been invited to every family function, etc.

I have never met anyone in his family. He has one grown daughter33, who only wants her dad to be with his deceased wife, or so he tells me. I am baffled and extremely hurt by all of this. Any thoughts.?

Oh and nothing has been touched since his wife died 7 years ago. All her belongings are still on her dresser, clothes still hanging in the closet, clothes in her drawers, shoes, pocketbooks, you name it. Hi Peggy Did you get any answers? My boyfriend is a widower of 8 years. He had a girlfriend of 4 years, then one for 1 year and me for one year now. And I think dating in the gaps. He has 2 adult married sons, one is a consultant.

The one son and wife live 2 roads away, the other in 30 miles away but comes up to work near my bf town, plus wife works close by. The house has not been changed since her death. Nothing at all. I had to ask him to remove her personal effects including hair decorations and handbags and pictures of them together off the dressing table as I felt I was waiting for her to walk in the bedroom when we were in bed.

I got the answers you got. They tolerate me and when he had other girlfriends but ate not overly welcoming. They have their own homes but want mums night with him every single week.

I find it extremely hard. I do t care about the villages if photos of her throughout the entire house, or the stuff they accrued in their life but the Wednesday exclusion is very hard for me. This Wednesday vigil, plus the museum plus screensaver on his monitor is of her just feels too much. He deleted WhatsApp messages he sent her. I feel bad for him as I finished with him now. I feel torn. I am a divorcee of a marriage of 29 years.

I met a beautiful woman over a year ago and we have been committed to each other, however, our relationship has been rocky. First, my SO is a widow. She was married to him a short time 2 years before he met an untimely death in a vehicle accident over 5 years ago.

She insists she was ready to move on when we started dating. I continued seeing her because I figured I would gain a friend, and we would be friends to help each other in our journey. So, in time the rings came off, and due to a home renovation project the pictures are down for now. Whether they get resurrected at a later date I am not sure at this time.

I love this woman more than anything, and she tells me the same. But, we have a rocky relationship now. I have tried to embrace her past, understanding and being empathetic to her plight, and, comforting her when she is down. But, it is causing me distress as it seems there is still many parts of her CURRENT life that I am being omitted from, and, not being allowed to enter.

At times we are happy and friends and family thing we are a couple. However if I am not around, you might think she is married and has a relationship with her deceased husband. I am trying, trying to work with this scenario but I am having sleepless nights now. If she is not ready why does she say she is? And, am I being selfish? Any and all input would be appreciated. Thank You. Hi, Ron. A few thoughts, since you asked for feedback. Many people wear wedding rings for a long period.

The reasons vary. Though she was married to him a short time, she may have experienced traumatic grief due to the sudden loss. She may have been reluctant or unable to make changes for awhile. Maybe your HVAC works better! Social media means different things to different people. Maybe her pages are only to promote her business or keep up with distant cousins.

But does he make as much money? I see that this is a very old blog but still, I am in need of some direction and you all seem very well versed in this specific situation. So, I am a divorcee x 2 both times it was due to infidelity on their parts, the first time we had been together for 17 years and a wonderful marriage and 2 beautiful children and the 2nd lasted only 3 hellish years, thankfully God did NOT allow children to be created.

So I have been single for the past 5 years and have always felt like one of my purposes in life is to be a Wife, even though I was robbed from it twice, I still believe Love exists and am ready for it.

Episode 155: Widowed; The ups and downs of dating again

Yes, you guessed it, I have met a Widower and he has stolen my heart. So, only 2 months after her death, he and I met. He has had many ups and down for the past 6 months but all-in-all we have gotten through them all. I am irrevocably in love with this man, he is everything I have prayed for in a mate.

He loves God more than anything and desires to serve him with his whole heart, as do I. We have many many things in common but there are a few things that cause me concern and I am asking for a little direction from those of you that may have some answers to help me. Am I being foolish, or is this something that is normal behavior? Could someone please help! Thanks, and God Bless- Tricia. Oh Tricia, slow downno need to rush into anything.

God bless. Hi, Tricia. I would mean such as a compliment but would likely trip over my tongue saying it. The good news is You can certainly revisit that. Can you tell me more about what you meant. Lots of us experience those left in our lives never mentioning our departed and never saying their name. Did you and Zelda plant those together or were you always the chief gardener here?

Once in a while you might reference your first husband if only in a story about your kids, right? In addition it might help him to talk to a counselor or visit a grief support group.

Or, there are some great articles on this site that you might suggest to him. What a powerful thing that is in a name. I will use your advice in my relationship with a widower. When my boyfriend calls me by my name it still surprises me. Further hindering this process is the sheer fact he may go round and round in circles for years. Some take it to the grave. That said, it by no means indicates his love or feelings for you. Having been there myself, in my opinion, the best thing you can do at this point is: 1.

Try to lose all your expectations of him. To be frank, you will never understand his state of mind. Besides, until you know what you are truly dealing with here, you could be ruining the best thing that ever happened to both of you.

For the first 2 years my heart ached every minute of every day. To a slightly lesser degree, my heart continued to ache for the next 2 years and still does at more random times for random periods. There have been times when I have resigned myself to the fact that the day he died my heart went with him.

Then one day I met up with an old work colleague I had not spoken to in 18mths. He told me he lost his 41yo wife 3mths earlier to cancer just one year after diagnosis. I was shocked. I immediately felt his pain.

Then just like that, he asked me out. I was quite shocked, but accepted anyway, I think mainly because we understood each other. However, I soon realised how different his grief was from mine.

At one point I had to slap myself for being a bit judgemental about the time he had spent grieving. The point here is, grief IS different for everyone.

Had this man come into my life say 4. Mainly because we could have given each other valuable support and a reason to move on. That way you will be in a far better position to understand and support him with effective strategies and guidance to move on.

You need to give him is a reason to move on. We can stay here for years. The only way I can explain what happens is, the day our spouse died, we did not accept this as final. Somehow, we end up continuing our relationship with a dead person into the future, almost the same as if they were still alive today.

How to date a widower with this step by step guide from an expert discuss the ups and downs with friends who have experienced a similar. There will be a period of adjustment when you date a widower, so be with a loss and there may be many ups and downs before someone. dating a widower and what you need to know. If the photos can't come down, or the reminiscing is constant and weepy, more time is needed.

If he does end up taking his previous relationship with him into the future, it is impossible to determine when he will come out of this state of mindif he ever does. Contrary to what he may or may not think, he definitely needs someone in his life. I believe, if caught earlyish, with the right approach and strategies, having a person there who you can be needy with when you need it, significantly helps people through their grieving process.

Further, having a person you have a calm, intimate relationship with, is another level again. Sometimes we just need an unconditional hug. Sometimes we just need to fall asleep lying next to and touching the person we care for in the present. Not only does it help take away the pain in our heart, but it helps us realise there is life without the person who died. We have permission to enjoy the rest of our life. But most of all we allow ourselves to move in to the next relationship.

Both well written and for those who like Harry Potter, both good books. Probably not. Nor should you be. Because this does not necessarily mean he likes that book better. It simply means he liked the way Ron drove the flying carno different to the things you love and remember from your previous relationships. ALL relationships are different. Your relationship with this man is neither better nor worse to him right now.

If you can help him do this, you will probably have his heart. It may be a long road. It may not. It works miracles. I hope this helps. All the best x. I have been dating a wonderful man who is a widower for two years. He was married for 35 years.

He will always be married to his late wife, and I need a chance to find someone who will see me as the love of his life. I am dating a widower and he expresses a lot of love for me and talks about spending the rest of our lives together.

I am love him. He is truly wonderful. I respect that he will always be married to his late wife, will have pictures of her in his home, and expects to see her again after death.

2 thoughts on “Ups and downs of dating a widower”

  1. I can not participate now in discussion - there is no free time. But I will be released - I will necessarily write that I think.

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